My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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