We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
