I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
