i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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