So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize