The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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