The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
