I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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