Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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