I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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