he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
