I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
