i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize