Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
