now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
