How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
