i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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