this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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