Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We are all done wearing pants today
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
