just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
