dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
