my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
