I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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