I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
