Who wears a wallet chain?!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize