last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
