I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
