Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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