I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
