Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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