I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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