I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
