how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
