very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
