upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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