uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
