so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
