I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
