I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This is the high leading the old right now
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize