If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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