I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Banned from zoo.
Again?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
