So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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