This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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