I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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