What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
