It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
