u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize