Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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