I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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