Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
tell me about the fingering
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