If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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