My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize