Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
