you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
