where am i from again
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dear god my vagina.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
