So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
