i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
