apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
