why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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