Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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