I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
