theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
