Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
