its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
