saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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