a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
