um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
