Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize