I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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