Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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