some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
