The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize